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Dreading the start of middle school
The countdown is on. The day I’ve been dreading all summer is just around the corner… Lily starts middle school in a week and a half. I’ve heard that there are other parents who actually look forward to sending their kids back to school. I can’t imagine that, because for me, the school year is a lot of hard work and with Lily starting middle school, it’s going to be even more stressful.
This morning, I set up a special visit to her new school. I know Lily needs extra time to learn her way around. We walked around to all her classrooms and she was okay for awhile, but eventually she got overwhelmed and started to get upset. She wanted to know exactly how things were going to happen, where they were going to happen, when they were going to happen… starting with getting off the bus–step by step. I tried to do that and she seemed to calm down.
We still have 6th-grade orientation and back-to-school night before the first day of school, so I’m hoping that helps. I mean, this is a twice exceptional kid who has months of adjustment every school year and this is at the same elementary school she’s been attending since Kindergarten. A new school, plus all the added Executive Function demands of middle school… could be a rough transition.
That’s actually an understatement. I’ve been trying to plan for her middle school transition for more than a year. I shopped around for public schools, got Lily several evaluations, found her a psychiatrist, a psychologist, taught myself to advocate for her at school using www.wrightslaw.com and the book Wrightslaw: From Emotions to Advocacy, shopped around for private schools, wrote demanding letters, attended many meetings, helped write a Behavior Support Plan and helped write a comprehensive IEP. Thousands of hours and dollars later, I feel like we have good support in place for her, but the real test comes in a couple of weeks….
Little Soup Chef and the Couch Crisis
Ahhh, adjustability. Tonight, Lily had a great night… mostly. When I came home from work, she had dinner ready and the table set. She had made soup from scratch using beef bouillon, chipotle seasoning, an assortment of spices and kale. It was actually pretty delicious. She also made grilled cheese sandwiches in the microwave, which were not quite as good, but she said she had given me the softest one!
This girl is definitely not a recipe cook. She likes to dream up concoctions, which are usually surprisingly tasty. She’s already kind of a ‘foodie’. She’s always had gourmet taste. As a toddler, she ate all the exotic olives off the Thanksgiving relish tray. She never liked ‘kid’ foods and preferred more adult flavors… loves lemon, balsamic vinegar, sushi and wasabi. She says the milk at the grocery store tastes like the carton and that’s the reason we get fresh milk delivered.
We were on track for a smooth evening when, just before bed, Zoolander told me that Lily was in her room sobbing about the new couch we bought while she was at camp.
Dad, sister and I had actually discussed this at the furniture store. I suggested taking a picture of the couch and sending it to her at camp so she wouldn’t be caught off-guard when she came home. They wanted to surprise her. They won and Lily seemed okay with it at first, but she eventually lost it and cried and cried for the couch that she professed she loved. She said she hated the new couch, but I cuddled with her on the new couch and explained exactly why we bought it until she calmed down and she finally decided that it was pretty comfortable. Sometimes she just needs someone to help her walk through something and then she’s fine. Couch crisis averted.
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Wine: The Return from Camp
“Lily”, she wants to be called. That’s her code name, “Lily”, my oldest twice exceptional daughter. She’s 10. My youngest daughter, 8, requested the faux name, “Zoolander”. So now you know.
Anyway, “Lily” has been away at summer camp. 2 weeks. Sleepover. We missed her terribly and worried every day. Would we get a call from camp because Lily was having trouble? Maybe she would get upset about something and be unable to recover… What if there’s a change in plans, like horseback riding instead of swimming time, and Lily gets frustrated with the unexpected change? What if there are rowdy games that are too loud and chaotic and Lily gets too overwhelmed? What if the girls in her cabin are more socially advanced than Lily and she doesn’t fit in? Maybe they talk about boys and pedicures and don’t get Lily’s quirky sense of humor or her interest in Corvettes & herbal remedies?
I don’t know. We have to be prepared for a phone call, because whenever we get comfortable and expect that Lily will go through life like everyone else, we’re caught off guard by a phone call about Lily.
I didn’t leave any special instructions or tips for Lily’s camp counselors. I felt like it was either all or nothing. Sometimes, I think I should just write a ‘Guide to Lily” that I hand out to everyone who comes in contact with her. But I know an instruction manual isn’t the answer. I’d like Lily to eventually know herself well enough to be able to advocate for herself, to ask for what she needs to be more comfortable in the world.
We did receive a postcard from one of Lily’s counselors while she was gone. It said that Lily is ‘definitely an amazing free spirit who isn’t afraid to explore and step out of her box. She has really been into participating in Wilderness Exploration and loves to learn about plants.’ That didn’t surprise us. Earlier in the summer, she pored over a book about edible plants and said she wanted to grow up to be the kind of witch who heals people with plants.We were relieved by the postcard. Sounds like her counselors really get her… Lily is definitely ‘an amazing free spirit.’
When Lily saw the three of us walking up the path to her cabin she bolted toward us and plowed right into her sister, grabbed her and they hugged each other for a long time. Lily told Zoolander, “I love you!” Then she dragged us to her cabin. She immediately showed us the bracelet she’d been awarded in a special ceremony the night before. On it was a wine glass, tipped over with wine spilling out. It was supposed to represent a trait and strength that each girl had demonstrated at camp. Lily excitedly told us that her bracelet represented ‘adjustability’. My throat immediately tightened. I blinked to stop my eyes from stinging.
Lily’s counselor pulled me to the side and asked, “Does she have a hard time with loud noises at home?” “Yes”, I answered. “Well, she was amazingly flexible this week and just really worked hard on being adjustable and going with the flow.” She seemed to be referring to a specific incident, but my mind was stuck, wondering… how did they know that flexibility is one of things that she has a hard time with and was something that we’ve been working on–regulating her emotional response to changes, part of her struggle with her Executive Functioning. It still freaks me out that her college-age counselors showed such insight. Do they train them to do that?
As we left, I watched carefully as Lily said goodbye to her bunk mates. They all seemed to like her and I didn’t see anything unusual in their interactions. Lily was over the moon the rest of the day, full of stories and songs about camp. I asked her if the overturned wine goblet on her bracelet meant that she shouldn’t cry over spilled wine and she laughed. She told us that the girls in her cabin were full of ‘drama’, but she did meet another girl who will be going to her middle school this fall, in the same grade. One more familiar face to help with the transition… I hope.
The Brainhugger Does Battle
I shouldn’t say battle. Today’s meeting at school wasn’t a battle. It was actually a very cooperative effort, with professional educators who care about my daughter. But I prepared for the meeting as if I was preparing for battle. I studied every website I could find, called friends for pep talks, outlined my talking points and baked muffins. Yeah… stayed up late, baking muffins, so they would think I’m more normal mom and less crazy-out-of-her-gourd mom.
My daughter’s elementary school has done everything they can to help her. She’s a 5th grader, 2E or Twice Exceptional… in the Gifted and Talented program, but struggling with ADHD, Sensory Processing Issues, written expression and possibly learning disabilities we’ve yet to discover.
Speaking of discovering, I’m taking her for more testing tomorrow morning… with a Learning Disabilities Specialist we’ve hired outside the school. I sat in on last week’s testing session and was blown away by my daughter’s mind. Some of the stuff on the test, I couldn’t do. The Learning Specialist gave her numbers and had her repeat them backwards. I had to stop at 3 numbers. My daughter could do 6. She said she saw the numbers in her head and then read them backwards. The Learning Specialist said, “Did you know about this?” I said, “Well, yes… that’s how she studies her spelling.” She said my daughter’s visual memory will be a powerful tool.
I need a code name for my daughter, so I don’t have to keep writing, ‘my daughter’. I’ll ask her what she wants to call herself.
So back to the meeting at school, I’m too tired to explain tonight. 11 people in a room, intimidating and exhausting.
Brainhugger 